I have been debating whether to write about this on here or not for about a week.
A lot of it is extremely personal and I will leave certain details out just for the sake of personal privacy.
But I feel like I need to document this time, as this blog is somewhat of 'my journey' of preparing to serve a mission and there after.
So, I'm about to spill my guts here.
Major word vomit up ahead.
I guess I'll just lay it out flat and say I have been struggling something major lately.
I feel like I'm being prepared for battle.
And I guess in a way I am.
I am preparing to go into battle with the Lord's army.
There have been certain temptations and trials I have been facing that I haven't had to deal with for a while.
I'm not sure exactly why they are resurfacing now, but I know that it is for my good somehow.
I don't know if I will encounter people on my mission that will benefit from the wisdom I have gained by these experiences or if they're lessons for later on in life.
I'm sure it's all of the above.
I love how Heavenly Father works.
It's times like these that I witness and can testify of the brilliance and power of Him.
He knows to give each of us specific trials at specific times, because later down the road we will need the experience of before to help pull us through.
I've been questioning if what I am doing is right.
I've been questioning myself.
I've been questioning people in my life.
I've been questioning what I need to do differently to feel the peace and happiness I felt a few months ago.
In Relief Society on Sunday Sister Drayton said something that opened my eyes and totally changed my thought process of what I'm going through right now.
She talked about how we think life should be wonderful and happy when we are doing what we're supposed to. We set expectations of how life should be when we are being obedient. But, it's not normal to always be happy and life be wonderful. When we are being obedient we will have moments where we feel down, insecure, or alone. There are examples of that in the scriptures.
I realize life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, but the idea of when we are being obedient we will have moments of sadness, loneliness and insecurity, just hit me so hard and I feel like that's what I'm going through right now.
I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.
I know I am supposed to be serving a mission.
I know I am.
But there are parts of me that are resurfacing that pull me in different ways.
The conflict there of me being obedient to serving a mission and what these temptations are whispering in my ear is what is causing me to feel the way I do now.
Satan is real, people.
He is there.
He works so hard to lead us astray.
He has led me astray multiple times in my life.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are just as real.
They are there.
I am learning more than ever to cling to Heavenly Father.
It's more like holding on for dear life.
He has given me trials that I don't quite understand yet, but I know that I will someday.
But I also know that we don't always have to know why or understand.
He has it under control.
I am learning that He knows who I am.
Others misunderstand or misjudge or judge too quickly or are just plain hurtful but, He knows me inside out, upside down, right and left.
Others misunderstand or misjudge or judge too quickly or are just plain hurtful but, He knows me inside out, upside down, right and left.
He knows my heart, my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, my joys, my dreams.
He smiles when I feel happy and He weeps beside me when tears fall down my face.
I should never fear what man can do, because He will never forsake me.
I am never alone.
He never leaves us.
I think that's a big one that I'm learning.
Others have left me so alone in the past and even now but I am starting to understand and trust more and more that Heavenly Father will never leave me.
I realize that He sits back and allows us to face challenges and use our agency with how we handle them, but His arm is stretched out still.
The Sisters are back in our ward and I had the opportunity to go out with them a couple times last week.
I was on my way to pick them up one night and all the way there I had a battle in my head as to whether I should still serve a mission.
Once they got in my car and we drove to where we were going it was reconfirmed in my mind that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
I am excited to bring with me the spirit that they bring.
I know it's all on me though, to be worthy to have and keep that spirit.
I have less than a month until I submit my papers and about five months until I will leave.
Time has gone by so fast and my way of thinking and viewing the world continues to mature and change.
My friend is serving a mission right now and in a letter that he sent he said that serving is so hard and not to let anyone sugar coat it, but it's so worth it.
I've never thought that serving a mission would be easy.
How could it possibly be easy?
But I feel like what I am feeling now, what I am facing now is preparing me even more than what I thought I was being prepared a few months ago.
I feel like I am learning how to relate to people more on a totally new level and to be more real.
To be able to really talk to people and see things through their eyes and help them any way I can.
There are also things from my past that I know happened for a reason so I would be able to use the knowledge I have from it now.
I agree with what my friend said and I will never sugar coat the preparation for a mission or the mission itself.
It's tough.
I am expecting to face some of the hardest days of my life, but I am also expecting to experience some of the sweetest joy.
And it will be so worth it.
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Song of the Day
The Story by Brandi Carlile
(This song is bone chilling. It gives me goose bumps every time.)
