Today, I decided to get outside for a little bit and read in a couple books.
I read a little bit of Whom the Lord Loveth by Neal A. Maxwell.
There were a few points that stuck out to me in what I read.
I'll share a couple.
He talks about frustrations and how we sometimes complain during those times.
He then says, "These hyperventilating moments use up some of the oxygen provided by God's lending us breath from moment to moment."
What an interesting thought.
I never looked at it that way.
It's true that God gives us breath from moment to moment and I certainly don't want to waste that breath on complaints or negative words.
*sorry for the blurriness, but what I write in my journal is none of yo bidness ;)*
He also says, "It is usually a particular preoccupation, not a specific occupation that we need to leave straightway and without looking back."
I know there are a few PREoccupations going on in my life that cause me to not be living to my full potential right now.
Whether that potential be spiritual, physical or emotional.
The second book I read a little out of was Standing for Something by Gordon B. Hinckley.
I only read into the first chapter, because by the time I had gotten to this book I was starting to sweat.
The first chapter is about love.
He said so many good things.
The first thing that stood out to me was, "Love is the very essence of life. It is the pot at the end of the rainbow. Yet it is not found only at the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arches across the sky on a stormy day."
The second thing he quoted from a newspaper column:
"One of the grand errors we tend to make when we are young is supposing that a person is a bundle of qualities, and we add up the individual's good and bad qualities, like a bookkeeper working on debits and credits. If the balance is favorable, we may decide to take the jump [into marriage]...The world is full of unhappy men and women who married because...it seemed to be a good investment. Love, however, is not an investment; it is an adventure. And when marriage turns out to be as dull and comfortable as a sound investment, the disgruntled party soon turns elsewhere...Ignorant people are always saying, "I wonder what he sees in her," not realizing that what he sees in her (and what no one else can see) is the secret essence of love."
I love this. I am going to keep this forever.
I had the opportunity to teach with the Sisters again Saturday morning.
I went over the lesson we would be teaching while I ate my breakfast.
I absolutely cannot wait until that is my life 24/7 for eighteen months.
I cannot describe the calm and the peace that comes over me whenever I study the lessons in Preach My Gospeland the assigned scriptures along with them.
As I was reading my scriptures the other night it occurred to me why I love the scriptures so much. It's kind of hard to explain and the only way I know how to put it is they are so familiar. I feel like I know the people I am reading about. I remember a time last year when I was first thinking about serving a mission and I was doing all I could to prepare for it spiritually and I was getting ready for church one Sunday and as I looked in the mirror I knew I was where I was supposed to be. It felt like home and it felt familiar. That's what I love about this Gospel. It feels like home.
I know that when times get uncomfortable, I always have the Gospel to turn to for comfort and stability.
I really hope that I can be as good of a missionary as the sisters I've been able to get to know over the past months.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but they carry such a strong spirit with them and they're just rock stars in my book.
I am going to prepare the best I can to be that way too.
Before work this morning I listened to the Jimmy Buffet station on Pandora.
So, yea... super happy mood.
Way relaxed.
Humming a Beach Boys song until I somehow got another song stuck in my head that was in no way related.
Interesting how that happens.
I get to thinking....I've always wanted to live by the beach.
I love the beach.
I love the laid back lifestyle.
I love the warmth.
I love the smell of salt water.
I love the sand between my toes.
I love hearing seagulls.
I love wearing no makeup and letting the ocean do my hair for me.
I love the people.
I love sitting in a lawn chair with a cold Pepsi and some fruit listening to the waves crash.
*slow drool*
This train of thought takes me to Staci scheming town.
My family and I have vacationed in Galveston and Corpus Christi, Texas.
I love it there.
I start to look up how much rent is for an apartment.
I tried to look up the singles ward down there, but that led to some weird websites.
Rent seemed bearable if I were to work full time and find a roommate.
Then I'm like wait...oh yea...I'm going to be going to school.
So, I look up the universities down there.
Zilch have Graphic Design.
Weird.
Then I start thinking, I can't work full time and be a full time student...so that may cause a problem unless I have two roommates or so, andI'm sure a college in Houston or something would have Graphic Design but is it worth it to pay out of state tuition if I'm about an hour away from any beach?
Hmmmmm...nope.
I can be done with school within two years after I get back from my mission, if I take summer classes.
I think I can knock that out.
So, I start contemplating moving there once I'm done with school because I'm sure I can find work with what I'm wanting to do.
But, then whole thing of 'what if I get married while I'm in school?' comes to mind and what if he doesn't want to move there or circumstances just don't really allow it at that time.
I don't know what Heavenly Father has planned for me.
I don't know if I'll even want the same things once I get back from my mission.
I just know that living by the beach has been a dream of mine for many years.
Many, many years.
And I'm on this new kick thing where I want to start making some of my 'dreams' into 'reality'.
I mean, why not?
My first step with that is serving a mission.
I see other people who are living out their dreams.
I know it (usually) takes an incredible amount of work and determination and focus to really get where you want to be.
It doesn't (usually) just come to you.
I feel like for once I know where I want to be.
I know what I want to do.
I think my mission is only the beginning of something great.
And to think, all this came from just changing the station on Pandora to Jimmy Buffet.
Bless the person who invented Pandora.
Brilliant, I tell you.
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Song(s) of the Day
Upside Down by Jack Johnson
Kokomo by The Beach Boys
(I have no idea who the random guy in the Puma shirt is? Hopefully the guy who made the video...)
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
-Be Still, My Soul
O God, where art thou?
And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murders, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, [my daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
The Son of Man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than He?
Therefore, hold on thy way...thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.
D&C 121:1, 7-8, 122:7-9
I just want to say, first off, that I love House Hunters.
And I love my parents.
And I love people/dogs who make me laugh
OK, now, secondly, why are some people just so mean?
Even those who are supposed to be there for you and be your friend.
I don't get it and I will never get it.
Last night, as I was pondering on the shower floor, about said 'mean person', with the warm water washing over me I had a moment where I remembered why I even decided to serve a mission in the first place.
You sit and ponder on the shower floor too, right?
Well, if you don't, I recommend it.
I remembered that absolutely nothing brings me more happiness or peace than this Gospel.
And I want to share it with people who are looking for that peace and happiness.
I cannot wait to get out there.
Five more months, five more months, five more months, five...more...months.
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Song of the Day
Cold by Matchbox Twenty
My ladies and I went to In the Raw in celebration of my friend Jessica's day of birth.
It was my first time trying 'good' sushi so I was a little apprehensive.
I think Zoology scarred me of raw meat.
I liked it... I mean, it wasn't my Mexican food, but it wasn't absolutely awful.
I felt like I didn't really eat anything.
I don't know.
It was weird.
It was good, but weird.
At least now I can say I've tried sushi.
The soy beans were bomb.
Bethany and I had never been to In the Raw so we didn't know the procedure of eating the soy beans.
I normally eat the whole thing when I have them at my house.
So, we plopped the whole thing in our mouths and we both thought it was a little chewy.
Turns out, you're supposed to suck the little beans out of the pod.
That was a little less chewy.
Who knew.
After Bethany almost killed herself with the Wasabi sauce and the waitress switched up our cards and checks we left and went for a walk around Campus Corner to get drinks at Tea Cafe.
'Get drinks' sounds so alcoholic...it's just juice stuff with magical bobas that make me so happy.
WELL Tea Cafe on Campus Corner is closed for the month, APPARENTLY.
Way to break our hearts.
So, we took out our misery on Passionberri.
We made some friends while we ate our deliciousness.
The three of us were just sitting innocently on a bench.
Innocently talking.
Innocently laughing.
When all of the sudden somebody puts their hand on my back and on Bethany's shoulder and lets out a 'RAWR!'.
I died.
And Bethany turned around and hit him.
Jessica and I both assumed that Bethany knew the guy, since she swung around and tried to take him out.
Nope, she didn't know him.
She hit a stranger.
We laughed.
That's what he gets.
Still sitting innocently sitting on the bench.
Still innocently talking.
Still innocently laughing.
This guy comes up and asks us if we've seen a bald man with a tie-dye shirt.
We say ....no...
He says we should all go get drinks.
I say, 'No thank you.'
Bethany says, 'I have to drive home.'
Jessica says, 'I'm really a man.'
The three of us decided it'd probably be a good idea to move after that.
OK so, a few months ago I thought love was MESSED UP.
I couldn't be with the one I was madly in lust...err, I mean love with, because of certain circumstances.
And the other one who I saw great potential in lives in another state and I felt in my heart I needed to serve a mission, so we couldn't be together either.
I was like, what the heck?
I became what my mom called a 'feminist nightmare.'
I had in my head that I would serve my mission, come home and finish school, travel around, maybe go teach English in Korea like I had thought I would earlier this year and just wait and see what happens.
I had no plans of meeting anyone.
No interest in getting married.
I like kids, and I want kids, but with no spouse, that wouldn't really happen.
Unless I got a baby mama.
But, let's not get crazy.
I've always been very independent minded and just can soooooo not be controlled.
I'm like a wild animal.
Beautiful from a distance and will circle around and come close if I feel comfortable enough to choose to do so, but the moment you reach out to grab me, I'm gone.
So, in the past I've had a hard time grasping the idea of being a 'stay at home mom'.
The image that comes to mind is, knitting the thirtieth quilt that week and cleaning the house in my mom jeans then getting in my mini van to go grocery shop.
No.
No, thank you.
I'm not hatin', I'm just saying.
So, I'm going to school to get my degree so I can work!
Career woman yeaaa!
Well, being the religion that I am, I'm constantly reminded of what my true role is as a woman versus what the world has made the 'woman'.
I was very much consumed with the world 'woman' and rolled my eyes at the true woman.
I kind of know why I thought that way, but at the same time I have no idea.
It was just the way I viewed things.
Last night, I had the opportunity to seeSister Dibb speak at the stake center in Norman.
She spoke of women and motherhood.
She talked about how we can be better mothers and prepare our children and what our role is as a woman and mother.
I really enjoyed it.
You see, as I have prepared for my mission and my heart has been softened I understand more of who I am as a daughter of God.
I have certain divine attributes that make me who I am, the way I am.
I don't fight those anymore.
I allow the compassion and nurture and love and 'homemaking' skills show.
These days I am so crazy excited to be married to the best man on the planet and share our love with the twelve most incredible kids on the block. Maybe not twelve....
I truly hope that our financial situation allows me to stay at home.
I can't wait to hang out with my kids every day and create with them and go on adventures and allow their talents and skills to develop and grow.
I can't wait to share my passion for music with them and build in them a love and appreciation for art and music.
I can't wait to build memories and start traditions.
Although, I still plan on finishing my Bachelors degree once I get back from my mission, I feel as though it will only benefit me as a mother.
With Graphic Design I get to create and imagine and sharing that with my kids will be such a blessing.
I hope/plan to be self-employed most of the time so that will be a blessing as well.
As Sister Dibb said, I will be a 'guardian of virtue.'
She quotedJulie Beck who said for women to be 'lionesses at the gate.'
One of the reasons I'm so excited to serve a mission is because I know it will help me be a better example and mother in my home.
I look forward to teaching my kids Gospel truth and watching them discover their own testimonies of it.
I look forward to reading the scriptures and kneeling down to pray with them.
I expect my life to be nothing less of extraordinary.
I hope to wake up every day and be grateful for what I have and to make sure my kids and my husband know they are loved and appreciated.
I'm glad I had the opportunity to hear her speak.
It only confirmed everything I've been thinking about and looking forward to.
It makes me that much more excited about it all.
But there will no mom jeans or mini vans in sight for this lil mama.
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Song of the Day
Chinese by Lily Allen.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove l o v e LOVE this song.
I have been debating whether to write about this on here or not for about a week.
A lot of it is extremely personal and I will leave certain details out just for the sake of personal privacy.
But I feel like I need to document this time, as this blog is somewhat of 'my journey' of preparing to serve a mission and there after.
So, I'm about to spill my guts here.
Major word vomit up ahead.
I guess I'll just lay it out flat and say I have been struggling something major lately.
I feel like I'm being prepared for battle.
And I guess in a way I am.
I am preparing to go into battle with the Lord's army.
There have been certain temptations and trials I have been facing that I haven't had to deal with for a while.
I'm not sure exactly why they are resurfacing now, but I know that it is for my good somehow.
I don't know if I will encounter people on my mission that will benefit from the wisdom I have gained by these experiences or if they're lessons for later on in life.
I'm sure it's all of the above.
I love how Heavenly Father works.
It's times like these that I witness and can testify of the brilliance and power of Him.
He knows to give each of us specific trials at specific times, because later down the road we will need the experience of before to help pull us through.
I've been questioning if what I am doing is right.
I've been questioning myself.
I've been questioning people in my life.
I've been questioning what I need to do differently to feel the peace and happiness I felt a few months ago.
In Relief Society on Sunday Sister Drayton said something that opened my eyes and totally changed my thought process of what I'm going through right now.
She talked about how we think life should be wonderful and happy when we are doing what we're supposed to. We set expectations of how life should be when we are being obedient. But, it's not normal to always be happy and life be wonderful. When we are being obedient we will have moments where we feel down, insecure, or alone. There are examples of that in the scriptures.
I realize life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, but the idea of when we are being obedient we will have moments of sadness, loneliness and insecurity, just hit me so hard and I feel like that's what I'm going through right now.
I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.
I know I am supposed to be serving a mission.
I know I am.
But there are parts of me that are resurfacing that pull me in different ways.
The conflict there of me being obedient to serving a mission and what these temptations are whispering in my ear is what is causing me to feel the way I do now.
Satan is real, people.
He is there.
He works so hard to lead us astray.
He has led me astray multiple times in my life.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are just as real.
They are there.
I am learning more than ever to cling to Heavenly Father.
It's more like holding on for dear life.
He has given me trials that I don't quite understand yet, but I know that I will someday.
But I also know that we don't always have to know why or understand.
He has it under control.
I am learning that He knows who I am.
Others misunderstand or misjudge or judge too quickly or are just plain hurtful but, He knows me inside out, upside down, right and left.
He knows my heart, my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, my joys, my dreams.
He smiles when I feel happy and He weeps beside me when tears fall down my face.
I should never fear what man can do, because He will never forsake me.
I am never alone.
He never leaves us.
I think that's a big one that I'm learning.
Others have left me so alone in the past and even now but I am starting to understand and trust more and more that Heavenly Father will never leave me.
I realize that He sits back and allows us to face challenges and use our agency with how we handle them, but His arm is stretched out still.
The Sisters are back in our ward and I had the opportunity to go out with them a couple times last week.
I was on my way to pick them up one night and all the way there I had a battle in my head as to whether I should still serve a mission.
Once they got in my car and we drove to where we were going it was reconfirmed in my mind that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
I am excited to bring with me the spirit that they bring.
I know it's all on me though, to be worthy to have and keep that spirit.
I have less than a month until I submit my papers and about five months until I will leave.
Time has gone by so fast and my way of thinking and viewing the world continues to mature and change.
My friend is serving a mission right now and in a letter that he sent he said that serving is so hard and not to let anyone sugar coat it, but it's so worth it.
I've never thought that serving a mission would be easy.
How could it possibly be easy?
But I feel like what I am feeling now, what I am facing now is preparing me even more than what I thought I was being prepared a few months ago.
I feel like I am learning how to relate to people more on a totally new level and to be more real.
To be able to really talk to people and see things through their eyes and help them any way I can.
There are also things from my past that I know happened for a reason so I would be able to use the knowledge I have from it now.
I agree with what my friend said and I will never sugar coat the preparation for a mission or the mission itself.
It's tough.
I am expecting to face some of the hardest days of my life, but I am also expecting to experience some of the sweetest joy.
And it will be so worth it.
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Song of the Day
The Story by Brandi Carlile
(This song is bone chilling. It gives me goose bumps every time.)
I mentioned that life has been bringing it's A Game a few posts ago.
Well, you know that moment when you just snap and you've reached a point where you know you have to change something in order to get to where you need to be?
Yea, that came last night.
I took the last of it out on a bowl of ice-cream and an episode of The Office.
Then this morning I took a little time to think.
I thought of a few things I am grateful for today and they are as follows:
-The stairs at the OU stadium.
-And my ability to run them like a boss.
-The best spot at the top of the stadium that my friend showed me a few years ago. I've been going back ever since.
-Perspective
-Lists of all my 'big rocks' and 'little rocks' of my life
-Being able to re-prioritize those rocks
-Cherry Limeades
-The guy who danced for me while a squirrel ran between his feet. Thanks for that.
-Summer and sunshine
-Pandora. Oh, if only I could express my full love for you and your blessed music abilities.
-The fact that June is over in a day, then it will be ONE MONTH until I can submit my mission papers.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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Song of the Day
Starry Night by Chris August
