The Life Project: I've been there. That's why I'm here. (Why I decided to serve a mission)

"I think we should just be friends. I still want you in my life, but I just think we'd get along better as friends. I just need something different."

Those words felt like someone taking a hammer and shattering everything in my life I held dear.
I picked up the pieces, got in my car and drove home.
It was a Monday night in May 2010.
That night changed everything for me.
That night is why I am here today.
I tried for a while to glue the pieces of myself back to what they originally were, but it would break every time I picked up the last piece.
I realized then I needed a different plan.
I needed a different perspective.
I needed help figuring out what I was supposed to make of this shattered mess.
I've been asked several times why I've chosen to serve a mission and how I came to the decision.
I usually just say, 'It's a long story...'
Today I'm going to share that story with you.
Looking back I can see how my whole life has prepared me for serving
I remember as a young girl discovering that females could serve missions too. I remember telling my parents that would be cool to do.
Well, as the teenage years came I forgot that idea.
With a series of bad choices, severe depression and changes, thoughts of a mission were long gone.
I can see now, that the darkness and pain of my younger years were actually preparing me. Those years were shaping me. Refining me. Building me up and making me stronger. It just took me a while to see it.
Since May 2010 my life has taken dramatic course corrections.
Ironically, I guess, the guys I have dated recently have influenced my decision greatly.
Let me share a little bit of background before May 2010.
I met this guy my senior year of high school.
During this post I'll refer to him as, 'Mr. B' just to keep things straight.

I fell harrrrrd.
He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.
We decided to get together.
We spoke of marriage often.
It all just made sense.
I couldn't picture myself with anyone else.
I didn't want to.

But, our relationship was never ideal.
It was never easy.
I was so completely and totally, irrevocably wrapped up in him.
I ate, slept and breathed him.
I did everything I absolutely could to keep him and keep us together.
He was baptized into my church and we discussed him going on a mission.
That lit up a spark in me to start thinking about a mission again.
Well, as you know, the relationship came to an end after a little over a year.
I was lost.
The future seemed to vanish and I didn't know what to do.
We tried so hard to just be friends.
I started going on dates and it made things complicated.
There was a time in July 2010 that we had stopped speaking.
I was trying to find myself without him.
I had invested so much time and energy into our relationship that I had no idea who I was.

When hard times had hit me before, I would look anywhere to find comfort.
This time I decided to look towards Christ.
Thoughts of a mission became stronger and I began studying Preach My Gospel and looking up conference talks about missions.
I felt pretty good about the decision to serve, but I still had a lot of hesitation.
Mr. B and I started talking again.
I told him about my thoughts to serve a mission and he was supportive.
Things seemed to be okay between us.
It didn't feel right to get back in a relationship at that moment, but I hoped we would end up together eventually.
For once, in a reeeeeeeally long time I felt happy.
I felt at peace.
I was growing spiritually and as a person.
I was making new friends.
I even met someone else I kinda liked.

It was then things started getting a little confusing.
I had my thoughts about a mission, I liked this new guy and I still had feelings in the back of my mind for Mr. B.
I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.
This new guy lived an hour away so we would hang out on the weekends.
It was all a little strange to open up to someone new.
But it was nice to hold safe hands and feel a friendly embrace.
It felt good to drive around in his car with the windows down listening to Jason Reeves.
I felt comfortable and that's what I needed at that time.
I believe those experiences were a necessary bridge to bring me across to where I was headed next.
Our dating time was brief but, I am forever grateful for the kindness and respect shown to me by that guy.
We remain friends today.

Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen all the time.
Someone takes something the wrong way and the other person is left helpless to fix it.
Because of that, Mr. B and I went our separate ways in October 2010.
I'll tell you, at first it didn't really hurt.
I had been walking on eggshells and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings for so long that I actually felt relieved.
I stayed strong with my decision to move on.
I started making more friends.
I went on dates.
I was having fun.
I was happy again.

Although, I was starting to realize that Mr. B and I probably wouldn't be together ever again.
That was something that took a long time to accept.
I couldn't find the faith to just let go and realize that everything happens in the Lord's time.

When you're not looking, what you least expect will just walk into your life.
People and things come into our lives for a reason and a season and it's up to us what we make of it all.
I met someone new again.
We'll call him Mr. H.

Mr. H was a breath of fresh air.

I was drowning and he lifted me above water and gave me life and a new perspective.

It was all very strange again, but something inside me told me to give Mr. H a chance.

I decided to let go and run with him.

Well, as the weeks went by and turned into months from the time Mr. B and I had gone our separate ways I was starting to hurt really bad.

It was deeper than any pain I had experienced before.

Mr. B and Mr. H were starting to blur.

Sometimes I felt like I was looking at Mr. B when I would look at Mr. H.

It felt as though someone had died.

I knew Mr. B had been there.

I could see his face and remember his laugh.

I was searching for him, but I couldn't feel him anymore.

He had vanished from every part of my life.

I was reaching out for a ghost.

This started taking a toll on the relationship between Mr. H and I.

We decided to split.

I was in a state of confusion.
I didn't know what to do with myself.

I knew I had to move on from Mr. B.
At that point I thought it was completely over.
I really never expected to see or hear from him again.

I prayed with every fiber of my being for help.

I prayed so hard that I could move on and that the pain would be lifted.

It didn't happen over night.

It didn't happen in a week or two weeks, but one day I was just sitting and I noticed something...

I didn't feel anything...

There was no pain in my heart, no anxiety in my chest, my thoughts were clear.

It was a beautiful moment for me.

My testimony of the power of prayer grew tremendously.

I knew right then that Christ was beside me.

I could not have done that on my own.
The pain was too much for me to deal with alone.
From that experience I have a firm testimony of the power of the Atonement.
I know that through it we can be completely healed.
We can be changed and have a new start.

I was single once again and I decided to pursue my mission plans.

But, Mr. B came back sometime in January.

Along with a mix of emotions.

I felt anger towards him for leaving me and causing so much pain.
I felt as though I had finally moved on, and now he had decided to come back.

At the same time I felt glad to have him back again and see his face and hear his laugh.

I noticed the contrast between him and Mr. H though.
Also, some things were uncovered that I was never aware of while Mr. B and I were together.
It was a painful and rude awakening.
I made a very difficult choice to swallow any feelings of pride and any negative feelings towards him and be his friend.
I felt like he needed my friendship.

Memories of Mr. H started to pop up in my mind.

I decided to contact him and we started talking more.

I developed feelings for him again quickly.

Now I was at a crossroads once more.

I wanted to serve a mission, I also felt obligated to be there for Mr. B, and I was dating Mr. H.

Mr. H lives in another state, so we discussed the idea of me moving there for this summer.

I was very conflicted.

I prayed for an answer of what to do, but I didn't feel like I was getting anything.

I had no idea which path to take.

One day in March I was driving home and I was thinking about why I was so unhappy.

A few months earlier I had felt so good and so happy.

I wondered what I was doing differently.

I realized that the difference was that I was dating someone.

I thought, maybe I need to stop dating and prepare for a mission...

This feeling of peace completely washed over me.

Once I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and said, 'I'm going to serve a mission'.
The light that showed in my room and on my face confirmed in my mind what I was to do.

I can't really describe with words the feeling that I had.

I just felt so relieved.
After so long I finally felt confident in my decision to serve a mission.
Finally, I had found my answer.

Mr. H and I talked and we decided it was best to just be friends and go our own ways.

Preparing for the mission hasn't been easy by any means.
From about March to June it wasn't too bad.
I had my challenges, but I felt so much excitement that nothing really brought me down.
June brought more trials and changes.
My family put our dog down, a friend of mine left for his mission and another moved out of state.
I've experienced loneliness before, but this feeling of loneliness exceeded anything I've ever felt.
Also, temptations that had left me were resurfacing and I was getting hit from all sides.
I knew I was being tested.
I knew Heavenly Father was giving me this trial of faith to see what I would make of it.
There were days I was seriously going from one moment to the next.
I thanked Heavenly Father for allowing days to end and new ones to begin.
I knew I was being prepared for a great work and Heavenly Father needed me to stay strong during this time of trial.
As I remained faithful the clouds started to lift.
I could see the sun.

I am a completely different person than I was a year and a half ago.

I had a crash course of growing up and I've changed so much.
I had to face things I never thought I would have to face.
I had to overcome things I never thought I would have to overcome.

I am forever grateful for Mr. B.
I would not be who I am or where I am today without him.
I was headed down a strange path when he started investigating the church.
I knew I had to be a good example to him so I brought myself back to where I was supposed to be.
I've learned very valuable lessons from him and I feel most importantly I've learned how to let go.
I've also learned deeper lessons of forgiveness and compassion.
I am forever grateful for Mr. H.
I know he was given to me at a specific time for a specific purpose.
The things I learned from him are what pushed me even further to serve a mission.
I'm so grateful for his example.
I'm grateful for his maturity and unconditional friendship.
I'm also grateful for every other person I've met along the way.
Each of you have influenced me more than you know.
I've learned how to soak up every experience and learn all I can.

Over the months I've become more self mastered.

I've matured on so many levels.
I'm definitely not perfect and I have my weak moments, but I'm quicker to recognize those weaknesses and change.
I have learned how to let go. This is something I hold very dear. I know that as we put our faith in Christ we can find strength and courage to let go and walk into the unknown.
I have learned patience.
I have learned the power of a positive attitude.
I have learned that Heavenly Father never forsakes us.
I have learned that He will either calm the storm or calm the child.
I've learned to always keep a sense of humor.
I've learned how to think of others above myself.
I've learned how to forgive.
I've learned how to swallow my pride.
I understand more of who I am as a daughter of God.
I see myself so much more clearly.
I used to be so torn between who the world thought I should be and who Heavenly Father needs me to be.
The temptation is strong to follow the path of the world, but now I don't think twice about it.
I'm more concerned about what my Heavenly Father thinks about me than what others do.

I knew my heart would never be satisfied if I didn't serve a mission.
I've always had a desire to reach out to others and be a positive influence in some way.
This mission is truly only the beginning for me.
I plan to spend the rest of my life in service to my God and to others.
I've been shaken, beaten down, insecure and discouraged.

But I've also seen joy, happiness, change, growth, confidence and strength.

I've been changed for the better in so many ways.

My love for my Heavenly Father and Savior has never been so strong.

I've never felt so close to them.

They are there.

They are real.

I've felt them weep beside my bed with me and I've felt their embrace as I smile.

That's what it's all about to me.

That is why I am dedicating eight-teen months of my life to this work.

Through all the pain, heartache and disappointment this life can bring, there is joy to be found.

There is peace.

This Gospel gives the light to illuminate the darkness and show forth the true beauty of this life.

I could never turn it away.

The peace I've felt from it and the joy I've experienced are too strong for me to deny it.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to serve and teach the people in Riverside, California.
I feel a love growing in my heart for people that I haven't even met yet.
I look forward to watching the Gospel change the lives of those who choose to accept it.
I can't say enough how incredibly grateful I am for everything that has taken place in my life.
I'm grateful for the trials and the pain, because I feel like those are the moments we see life at it's best.
Those are the moments we grow the most and the strongest.
I'm grateful for the joy and happiness. I'm grateful for the good times and the laughter.
I'm just so grateful.
Grateful, grateful, grateful.
My heart is full.
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Song(s) of the Day
(These represent the experiences I just talked about.)
The Rain by Vedera