Like, if I make it out of here and on my mission alive it will be a miracle.
Once again I just have to say how grateful I am to be serving a mission.
It keeps me in check like nobody's business.
Through everything I've come out with a greater understanding of faith and how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ truly love each and every one of us.
One day the sky seemed to be falling and my old self would have just been like, I don't even care, Heavenly Father doesn't care, whatever.
But instead I caught myself saying, I know He's there, I don't really know where right now, but I know He's there and this is all going to come out okay.
I was surprised and grateful that I've changed and my faith has grown so much that I can just keep holding on when things get a little crazy.
Also, I've talked about this on here before but I truly believe that Heavenly Father sends people to us to fill in the holes that others leave behind.
Recently I've been blessed with people who have changed me and helped me see more of who I am.
This has manifested to me how much He loves me and watches over me.
This reminds me to always show kindness to those around us because we may be filling in a hole for someone.
Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel so claustrophobic and so tied back. I feel like I can't do anything because "I'm preparing for a mission". But I always try to quickly correct that thought process and remind myself of why I chose to do this. I think of all the lives that will be blessed by this service. I also remember that there is an opposing force who would love nothing more than for me to decide to not go. I tell that opposing force to shutup. I'm grateful for the quiet moments when I sit and ponder about my mission and a smile comes across my face.
Missions are insane, people.
I love it so much already and I'm not even out there yet!
I seriously needed this to become the person who I need to be.
There have been outward changes, but there's been so many inward changes for the better that I can't wait to see who I'm going to be once it's all over.
It's been so tough, man, so tough. But it's been so incredibly worth it.
Wow, I'm really bad about updating this thing these days.
Friday was my mommy's BIRFday!!
I was blessed with a very special mom.
I think she and I have a lot on common.
From stories that I've heard about her past I kinda get an idea that I am similar to what she used to be like.
We're both pretty stubborn.
We're both headstrong.
We're both independent minded.
We're both not afraid to say what's on our mind.
We're both extremely loving.
We're both forgiving.
We're both weird.
We're both artsy.
We're both tender hearted.
It was her who taught me to break up saltine crackers in chicken noodle soup.
It was her taught me how to clean a house.
It was her who taught me how to garden.
It was her who taught me how to paint my nails.
It was her who taught me fashion and how to put an outfit together.
It was her who instilled in me a love for walks and drives.
It was her who taught me not to take any crap from anyone.
It was her who gave me the obsession to have people let me know when they get home so I know they're safe.
It was her who would let me stay home from school every once in a while just to take a break.
It was her who would sit at the end of my bed listening to me as I sobbed through a story.
It was her who ever so firmly corrected my behavior when I wasn't going down the right track.
It was her who time and time again told me of my worth.
It was her who gave me a free spirit and desire to get out and see things.
It was her who opened my eyes to the little things and learn to cherish them.
It was her who kept me grounded.
It was her who I feared when I had made a bad decision because I knew that she could tell something was wrong.
It was her who giggled with me when she found out any boys that I had kissed.
It was her who encouraged me to always pray and read my scriptures.
It was her who let me know that serving a mission was an option for my life.
It was her who screamed with joy when my mission call arrived.
It's her who still continues to support me and love me. She has been there through all the many stupid mistakes I've made over the years. She never threw down a judgmental hand but instead she listened and guided. I'm so grateful for this woman in my life. I know I don't always show the gratitude and love I have in my heart for her, but it's there. I love you mom! I won't here for your 50th birthday next year and I'm so sad that I'll miss all the festivities of that. I'll send you something though, you better believe it!
(my dad was there through all those moments I just spoke of too, but this post isn't about him ;))
Driving by myself with the window down and the music up
Eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Harry Potter with two of my best girl friends
Having mission chats with the sister missionaries
One of my best guy friends texting me and asking, "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?" and then continuing to say, "...You're absolutely gorgeous."
Laying in my parent's bed watching t.v
Seeing my list of "to-do's" get smaller and smaller
Sitting around my grandparent's table eating Sunday dinner
My mom rubbing my back
My sister and I play fighting
Watching the sunset across the fields by my house as I run
Laughing with those I love
Quiet moments alone when I feel fear in my heart about my mission and then a reassuring voice tells me this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and everything is going to be okay
The past few weeks I've been struggling with feeling inadequate and totally unprepared for my mission.
I only have nine weeks!
I've heard those feelings are normal though.
But, it's really been bugging me and I've been pondering a lot about it.
Wondering if I'm where I need to be spiritually, wondering if I know the Gospel as well as I should, wondering whether I have a strong testimony, wondering whether I'll be a good missionary.
I think those are legitimate concerns and check points.
But it's really taken away from the excitement and joy that I could be experiencing right now.
The other day I had a revelation that I am enough.
The people in Riverside, California need ME.
They need Staci Emery.
I shouldn't try to change myself so much to fit who I think I need to be and completely lose who I am.
They need who I am.
This past weekend during General Conference a couple talks mentioned things to bring with you on your mission and they listed: a testimony, a desire to serve, a love for others, being worthy of the spirit and being ready to work.
I really appreciated those talks because I've just felt like I needed to do all these different things and read all this different stuff to be ready when really I just need a testimony and a desire to serve. That's what it comes down to.
I know that this is a sacred calling and as such there's a reason that Staci Emery was called to serve in Riverside, California. There's somebody somewhere in my mission that needs my experience, my perspective, my love, my humor, my testimony.
I strive to be who Heavenly Father needs me to be. He has and will continue to refine me and make me better. And I will take my mission seriously and make sure I stay worthy of the spirit, but my personality and what I have to offer is what is needed in Riverside. I'm weird, I'm goofy, I laugh a lot and find humor in the smallest things, I listen well, I'm compassionate, I'm sensitive to other's feelings, I'm quick to forgive and let go, I'm kind, I'm super easy going.
All this applies not only to a mission, but just life in general.
Although I think it's good to strive to be better and to do better; I don't think it's necessary to put unneeded pressure on yourself and to beat yourself up because you don't meet some idea that you've daydreamed in your head.
The world will always tell you that you're not good enough.
They'll tell you that you need to change this and change that, and be this and be that.
You might even tell yourself that.
Be who you are.
Don't compare yourself to other people. Don't worry about what's going on with them. Focus on who Heavenly Father needs you to be. He has blessed you with experiences throughout your whole life that have shaped you. Allow Him to refine you and make you who you are.
This is something that I've been learning a lot lately and it's something I feel very passionate about.
Embrace who you are and leave your mark by being yourself.
I had a little scratch in my throat, then when I woke up Tuesday morning it was more than just a little scratch.
I had the aches, headache, dizziness, sore throat. The whole nine yards.
My aches aren't as bad today, but my throat is still very much alive.
To prevent myself from getting really sick I took it super easy yesterday and I'm doing the same today.
Other things have taken priority over writing on here and I realized I haven't updated this thing for a couple weeks so I thought this might be a good opportunity.
Walk To End Alzheimer's:
I have had two family members suffer from Alzheimer's so my sister, my Mema and I decided to participate in this event.
I love doing this.
I've done a couple 5K's as well and it always gives you such a great feeling.
It's great knowing I'm getting out and getting involved with my city.
State Fair:
One of my pictures received an 'Honorable Mention' ribbon! I wasn't expecting anything so that was pretty exciting.
My sister got second place in the casserole competition! That was way cool.
I went with my family one night and a friend another night.
I love the state fair. I love the rides. I love the food. I love the booths and events. I love all the people.
It's so much fun every time.
Getting closer:
So...I have ten weeks until I enter the MTC.
My heart races every time I look at a calender.
It's coming so fast!
I really don't know what to say about it.
I'm just a jumble of emotions.
One minute I'm way super excited, the next I'm petrified.
I'm sure that's pretty normal though.
I'm really trying to prepare the best I can.
It's hard some days.
I was talking to one of the sister missionaries in my ward about it the other day.
I was telling her that it's weird knowing that I'll be on my mission soon, but I'm still here at home.... it's hard to explain, but she knew exactly what I was talking about.
My parent's and I have started studying together to help me out a little bit.
I try not to focus so much on my fears about it though.
I know that Heavenly Father will give me the courage I need.
I instead, try to focus on the incredible blessing this is going to be.
I'm going to grow and change so much during those eighteen months.
I have a lot checked off my list, but I still have quite a few things to get taken care of.
These next ten weeks are going to go by in a blink of an eye.
Buy brown pair of good mission walking shoes, multiple flats, and a pair of rain boots.
Trim hair (just a little tiny itty bit.)
Buy sturdy luggage
Finish reading Old and New Testament, and The Book of Mormon
Thoroughly study Preach My Gospel
Get new retainer
Buy extras of all personal items: toothpaste, shampoo, soap, lotion, makeup, etc
Help Mema sew summer skirts, buy brown skirt and one more black skirt
Other items include: my best friend Jamie coming to visit, turning the big 2-1, spending Thanksgiving in Branson Missouri, packing my whole life into two suitcases, being set apart as a missionary and then heading out to Utah to visit family and enter the MTC on December 7th.
So, I was reading through my journal and my older blog posts and...
um, what happened to that girl???
All I can say is, every day I grow more and more grateful that I'm going on a mission.
14 more weeks yo.
We went to the zoo on Labor Day.
It was great.
----------------------------------------
Song of the Day
The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
-----------------------------------
"It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alight."
"I think we should just be friends. I still want you in my life, but I just think we'd get along better as friends. I just need something different."
Those words felt like someone taking a hammer and shattering everything in my life I held dear.
I picked up the pieces, got in my car and drove home.
It was a Monday night in May 2010.
That night changed everything for me.
That night is why I am here today.
I tried for a while to glue the pieces of myself back to what they originally were, but it would break every time I picked up the last piece.
I realized then I needed a different plan.
I needed a different perspective.
I needed help figuring out what I was supposed to make of this shattered mess.
I've been asked several times why I've chosen to serve a mission and how I came to the decision.
I usually just say, 'It's a long story...'
Today I'm going to share that story with you.
Looking back I can see how my whole life has prepared me for serving
I remember as a young girl discovering that females could serve missions too. I remember telling my parents that would be cool to do.
Well, as the teenage years came I forgot that idea.
With a series of bad choices, severe depression and changes, thoughts of a mission were long gone.
I can see now, that the darkness and pain of my younger years were actually preparing me. Those years were shaping me. Refining me. Building me up and making me stronger. It just took me a while to see it.
Since May 2010 my life has taken dramatic course corrections.
Ironically, I guess, the guys I have dated recently have influenced my decision greatly.
Let me share a little bit of background before May 2010.
I met this guy my senior year of high school.
During this post I'll refer to him as, 'Mr. B' just to keep things straight.
I fell harrrrrd.
He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.
We decided to get together.
We spoke of marriage often.
It all just made sense.
I couldn't picture myself with anyone else.
I didn't want to.
But, our relationship was never ideal.
It was never easy.
I was so completely and totally, irrevocably wrapped up in him.
I ate, slept and breathed him.
I did everything I absolutely could to keep him and keep us together.
He was baptized into my church and we discussed him going on a mission.
That lit up a spark in me to start thinking about a mission again.
Well, as you know, the relationship came to an end after a little over a year.
I was lost.
The future seemed to vanish and I didn't know what to do.
We tried so hard to just be friends.
I started going on dates and it made things complicated.
There was a time in July 2010 that we had stopped speaking.
I was trying to find myself without him.
I had invested so much time and energy into our relationship that I had no idea who I was.
When hard times had hit me before, I would look anywhere to find comfort.
This time I decided to look towards Christ.
Thoughts of a mission became stronger and I began studying Preach My Gospel and looking up conference talks about missions.
I felt pretty good about the decision to serve, but I still had a lot of hesitation.
Mr. B and I started talking again.
I told him about my thoughts to serve a mission and he was supportive.
Things seemed to be okay between us.
It didn't feel right to get back in a relationship at that moment, but I hoped we would end up together eventually.
For once, in a reeeeeeeally long time I felt happy.
I felt at peace.
I was growing spiritually and as a person.
I was making new friends.
I even met someone else I kinda liked.
It was then things started getting a little confusing.
I had my thoughts about a mission, I liked this new guy and I still had feelings in the back of my mind for Mr. B.
I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.
This new guy lived an hour away so we would hang out on the weekends.
It was all a little strange to open up to someone new.
But it was nice to hold safe hands and feel a friendly embrace.
It felt good to drive around in his car with the windows down listening to Jason Reeves.
I felt comfortable and that's what I needed at that time.
I believe those experiences were a necessary bridge to bring me across to where I was headed next.
Our dating time was brief but, I am forever grateful for the kindness and respect shown to me by that guy.
We remain friends today.
Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen all the time.
Someone takes something the wrong way and the other person is left helpless to fix it.
Because of that, Mr. B and I went our separate ways in October 2010.
I'll tell you, at first it didn't really hurt.
I had been walking on eggshells and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings for so long that I actually felt relieved.
I stayed strong with my decision to move on.
I started making more friends.
I went on dates.
I was having fun.
I was happy again.
Although, I was starting to realize that Mr. B and I probably wouldn't be together ever again.
That was something that took a long time to accept.
I couldn't find the faith to just let go and realize that everything happens in the Lord's time.
When you're not looking, what you least expect will just walk into your life.
People and things come into our lives for a reason and a season and it's up to us what we make of it all.
I met someone new again.
We'll call him Mr. H.
Mr. H was a breath of fresh air.
I was drowning and he lifted me above water and gave me life and a new perspective.
It was all very strange again, but something inside me told me to give Mr. H a chance.
I decided to let go and run with him.
Well, as the weeks went by and turned into months from the time Mr. B and I had gone our separate ways I was starting to hurt really bad.
It was deeper than any pain I had experienced before.
Mr. B and Mr. H were starting to blur.
Sometimes I felt like I was looking at Mr. B when I would look at Mr. H.
It felt as though someone had died.
I knew Mr. B had been there.
I could see his face and remember his laugh.
I was searching for him, but I couldn't feel him anymore.
He had vanished from every part of my life.
I was reaching out for a ghost.
This started taking a toll on the relationship between Mr. H and I.
We decided to split.
I was in a state of confusion.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
I knew I had to move on from Mr. B.
At that point I thought it was completely over.
I really never expected to see or hear from him again.
I prayed with every fiber of my being for help.
I prayed so hard that I could move on and that the pain would be lifted.
It didn't happen over night.
It didn't happen in a week or two weeks, but one day I was just sitting and I noticed something...
I didn't feel anything...
There was no pain in my heart, no anxiety in my chest, my thoughts were clear.
It was a beautiful moment for me.
My testimony of the power of prayer grew tremendously.
I knew right then that Christ was beside me.
I could not have done that on my own.
The pain was too much for me to deal with alone.
From that experience I have a firm testimony of the power of the Atonement.
I know that through it we can be completely healed.
We can be changed and have a new start.
I was single once again and I decided to pursue my mission plans.
But, Mr. B came back sometime in January.
Along with a mix of emotions.
I felt anger towards him for leaving me and causing so much pain.
I felt as though I had finally moved on, and now he had decided to come back.
At the same time I felt glad to have him back again and see his face and hear his laugh.
I noticed the contrast between him and Mr. H though.
Also, some things were uncovered that I was never aware of while Mr. B and I were together.
It was a painful and rude awakening.
I made a very difficult choice to swallow any feelings of pride and any negative feelings towards him and be his friend.
I felt like he needed my friendship.
Memories of Mr. H started to pop up in my mind.
I decided to contact him and we started talking more.
I developed feelings for him again quickly.
Now I was at a crossroads once more.
I wanted to serve a mission, I also felt obligated to be there for Mr. B, and I was dating Mr. H.
Mr. H lives in another state, so we discussed the idea of me moving there for this summer.
I was very conflicted.
I prayed for an answer of what to do, but I didn't feel like I was getting anything.
I had no idea which path to take.
One day in March I was driving home and I was thinking about why I was so unhappy.
A few months earlier I had felt so good and so happy.
I wondered what I was doing differently.
I realized that the difference was that I was dating someone.
I thought, maybe I need to stop dating and prepare for a mission...
This feeling of peace completely washed over me.
Once I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and said, 'I'm going to serve a mission'.
The light that showed in my room and on my face confirmed in my mind what I was to do.
I can't really describe with words the feeling that I had.
I just felt so relieved.
After so long I finally felt confident in my decision to serve a mission.
Finally, I had found my answer.
Mr. H and I talked and we decided it was best to just be friends and go our own ways.
Preparing for the mission hasn't been easy by any means.
From about March to June it wasn't too bad.
I had my challenges, but I felt so much excitement that nothing really brought me down.
June brought more trials and changes.
My family put our dog down, a friend of mine left for his mission and another moved out of state.
I've experienced loneliness before, but this feeling of loneliness exceeded anything I've ever felt.
Also, temptations that had left me were resurfacing and I was getting hit from all sides.
I knew I was being tested.
I knew Heavenly Father was giving me this trial of faith to see what I would make of it.
There were days I was seriously going from one moment to the next.
I thanked Heavenly Father for allowing days to end and new ones to begin.
I knew I was being prepared for a great work and Heavenly Father needed me to stay strong during this time of trial.
As I remained faithful the clouds started to lift.
I could see the sun.
I am a completely different person than I was a year and a half ago.
I had a crash course of growing up and I've changed so much.
I had to face things I never thought I would have to face.
I had to overcome things I never thought I would have to overcome.
I am forever grateful for Mr. B.
I would not be who I am or where I am today without him.
I was headed down a strange path when he started investigating the church.
I knew I had to be a good example to him so I brought myself back to where I was supposed to be.
I've learned very valuable lessons from him and I feel most importantly I've learned how to let go.
I've also learned deeper lessons of forgiveness and compassion.
I am forever grateful for Mr. H.
I know he was given to me at a specific time for a specific purpose.
The things I learned from him are what pushed me even further to serve a mission.
I'm so grateful for his example.
I'm grateful for his maturity and unconditional friendship.
I'm also grateful for every other person I've met along the way.
Each of you have influenced me more than you know.
I've learned how to soak up every experience and learn all I can.
Over the months I've become more self mastered.
I've matured on so many levels.
I'm definitely not perfect and I have my weak moments, but I'm quicker to recognize those weaknesses and change.
I have learned how to let go. This is something I hold very dear. I know that as we put our faith in Christ we can find strength and courage to let go and walk into the unknown.
I have learned patience.
I have learned the power of a positive attitude.
I have learned that Heavenly Father never forsakes us.
I have learned that He will either calm the storm or calm the child.
I've learned to always keep a sense of humor.
I've learned how to think of others above myself.
I've learned how to forgive.
I've learned how to swallow my pride.
I understand more of who I am as a daughter of God.
I see myself so much more clearly.
I used to be so torn between who the world thought I should be and who Heavenly Father needs me to be.
The temptation is strong to follow the path of the world, but now I don't think twice about it.
I'm more concerned about what my Heavenly Father thinks about me than what others do.
I knew my heart would never be satisfied if I didn't serve a mission.
I've always had a desire to reach out to others and be a positive influence in some way.
This mission is truly only the beginning for me.
I plan to spend the rest of my life in service to my God and to others.
I've been shaken, beaten down, insecure and discouraged.
But I've also seen joy, happiness, change, growth, confidence and strength.
I've been changed for the better in so many ways.
My love for my Heavenly Father and Savior has never been so strong.
I've never felt so close to them.
They are there.
They are real.
I've felt them weep beside my bed with me and I've felt their embrace as I smile.
That's what it's all about to me.
That is why I am dedicating eight-teen months of my life to this work.
Through all the pain, heartache and disappointment this life can bring, there is joy to be found.
There is peace.
This Gospel gives the light to illuminate the darkness and show forth the true beauty of this life.
I could never turn it away.
The peace I've felt from it and the joy I've experienced are too strong for me to deny it.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to serve and teach the people in Riverside, California.
I feel a love growing in my heart for people that I haven't even met yet.
I look forward to watching the Gospel change the lives of those who choose to accept it.
I can't say enough how incredibly grateful I am for everything that has taken place in my life.
I'm grateful for the trials and the pain, because I feel like those are the moments we see life at it's best.
Those are the moments we grow the most and the strongest.
I'm grateful for the joy and happiness. I'm grateful for the good times and the laughter.
I'm just so grateful.
Grateful, grateful, grateful.
My heart is full.
-------------------------
Song(s) of the Day
(These represent the experiences I just talked about.)
The Rain by Vedera
I want to talk about something. I'm not quite sure how to say it so I'm just going to lay it out there.
I'm done with people who bring negative energy into my sphere of life. Done. I'm sick of all the haterrrrzzz. Just kidding, I don't really have haters. I've just noticed that I feel different around different people. Some people get me really hyped up and excited and in love with life. And others get me down, and insecure and I just want to go hide in a closet somewhere. I've come to the conclusion that I need to remove myself from those people.
I think we can still be a good friend and be there for someone when they really need us, but that doesn't mean they have to be in our every day life. I'm all about forgiveness and loving people unconditionally, but I've come to realize it shouldn't be at the sacrifice of your own sanity and happiness.
This is reason number 303480120 for why I'm soooo sososososo grateful for the opportunity to serve a mission. With preparing for it my perspective on things has changed so much. It's given me the strength and faith to say, Hmm I don't like this so I'm going to change it. Even it's scary. Because it is scary to walk away from somebody who has been such a big part of your life.
Something else I've learned from this situation is that I know who I am and so does Heavenly Father. If I'm accused of being a certain way and I know that I'm really not that way, I shouldn't allow what that person says about me bring me down. I shouldn't second guess myself or my abilities. I know who I am. I know how I act. I know what I think. I know what I feel. I hate being misunderstood, but sometimes it's inevitable. Even if you try to explain yourself, that doesn't mean the other person will take that into consideration. That doesn't mean that they even care what you have to say. You can't control what people think, do or say BUT you can control what YOU think, do or say. That's something huge that I've learned over and over. People are going to do what they want. You can't help that. You can't control that. You can control yourself. You can control whether you're going to allow it to bring you down or take it as a lesson learned to make you stronger. You can choose to let it be and walk away.
I've chosen to be a happy person. I've chosen to be kind. I've chosen to see the good in all situations. I've chosen to laugh and have fun.
That's what life is all about. Enough with the negativity. Brush it off and keep pressing forward.
