I've been there. That's why I'm here. (Why I decided to serve a mission)

"I think we should just be friends. I still want you in my life, but I just think we'd get along better as friends. I just need something different."

Those words felt like someone taking a hammer and shattering everything in my life I held dear.
I picked up the pieces, got in my car and drove home.
It was a Monday night in May 2010.
That night changed everything for me.
That night is why I am here today.
I tried for a while to glue the pieces of myself back to what they originally were, but it would break every time I picked up the last piece.
I realized then I needed a different plan.
I needed a different perspective.
I needed help figuring out what I was supposed to make of this shattered mess.
I've been asked several times why I've chosen to serve a mission and how I came to the decision.
I usually just say, 'It's a long story...'
Today I'm going to share that story with you.
Looking back I can see how my whole life has prepared me for serving
I remember as a young girl discovering that females could serve missions too. I remember telling my parents that would be cool to do.
Well, as the teenage years came I forgot that idea.
With a series of bad choices, severe depression and changes, thoughts of a mission were long gone.
I can see now, that the darkness and pain of my younger years were actually preparing me. Those years were shaping me. Refining me. Building me up and making me stronger. It just took me a while to see it.
Since May 2010 my life has taken dramatic course corrections.
Ironically, I guess, the guys I have dated recently have influenced my decision greatly.
Let me share a little bit of background before May 2010.
I met this guy my senior year of high school.
During this post I'll refer to him as, 'Mr. B' just to keep things straight.

I fell harrrrrd.
He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.
We decided to get together.
We spoke of marriage often.
It all just made sense.
I couldn't picture myself with anyone else.
I didn't want to.

But, our relationship was never ideal.
It was never easy.
I was so completely and totally, irrevocably wrapped up in him.
I ate, slept and breathed him.
I did everything I absolutely could to keep him and keep us together.
He was baptized into my church and we discussed him going on a mission.
That lit up a spark in me to start thinking about a mission again.
Well, as you know, the relationship came to an end after a little over a year.
I was lost.
The future seemed to vanish and I didn't know what to do.
We tried so hard to just be friends.
I started going on dates and it made things complicated.
There was a time in July 2010 that we had stopped speaking.
I was trying to find myself without him.
I had invested so much time and energy into our relationship that I had no idea who I was.

When hard times had hit me before, I would look anywhere to find comfort.
This time I decided to look towards Christ.
 Thoughts of a mission became stronger and I began studying Preach My Gospel and looking up conference talks about missions.
I felt pretty good about the decision to serve, but I still had a lot of hesitation.
Mr. B and I started talking again.
I told him about my thoughts to serve a mission and he was supportive.
Things seemed to be okay between us.
It didn't feel right to get back in a relationship at that moment, but I hoped we would end up together eventually.
For once, in a reeeeeeeally long time I felt happy.
I felt at peace.
I was growing spiritually and as a person.
I was making new friends.
I even met someone else I kinda liked.

It was then things started getting a little confusing.
I had my thoughts about a mission, I liked this new guy and I still had feelings in the back of my mind for Mr. B.
I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.
This new guy lived an hour away so we would hang out on the weekends.
It was all a little strange to open up to someone new.
But it was nice to hold safe hands and feel a friendly embrace.
It felt good to drive around in his car with the windows down listening to Jason Reeves.
I felt comfortable and that's what I needed at that time.
I believe those experiences were a necessary bridge to bring me across to where I was headed next.
Our dating time was brief but, I am forever grateful for the kindness and respect shown to me by that guy.
We remain friends today.

Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen all the time.
Someone takes something the wrong way and the other person is left helpless to fix it.
Because of that, Mr. B and I went our separate ways in October 2010.
I'll tell you, at first it didn't really hurt.
I had been walking on eggshells and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings for so long that I actually felt relieved.
I stayed strong with my decision to move on.
I started making more friends.
I went on dates.
I was having fun.
I was happy again.

Although, I was starting to realize that Mr. B and I probably wouldn't be together ever again.
That was something that took a long time to accept.
I couldn't find the faith to just let go and realize that everything happens in the Lord's time.

When you're not looking, what you least expect will just walk into your life.
People and things come into our lives for a reason and a season and it's up to us what we make of it all.
I met someone new again.
We'll call him Mr. H.

Mr. H was a breath of fresh air.

I was drowning and he lifted me above water and gave me life and a new perspective.

It was all very strange again, but something inside me told me to give Mr. H a chance.

I decided to let go and run with him.

Well, as the weeks went by and turned into months from the time Mr. B and I had gone our separate ways I was starting to hurt really bad.

It was deeper than any pain I had experienced before.

Mr. B and Mr. H were starting to blur.

Sometimes I felt like I was looking at Mr. B when I would look at Mr. H.

It felt as though someone had died.

I knew Mr. B had been there.

I could see his face and remember his laugh.

I was searching for him, but I couldn't feel him anymore.

He had vanished from every part of my life.

I was reaching out for a ghost.

This started taking a toll on the relationship between Mr. H and I.

We decided to split.

I was in a state of confusion.
I didn't know what to do with myself.

I knew I had to move on from Mr. B.
At that point I thought it was completely over.
I really never expected to see or hear from him again.

I prayed with every fiber of my being for help.

I prayed so hard that I could move on and that the pain would be lifted.

It didn't happen over night.

It didn't happen in a week or two weeks, but one day I was just sitting and I noticed something...

I didn't feel anything...

There was no pain in my heart, no anxiety in my chest, my thoughts were clear.

It was a beautiful moment for me.

My testimony of the power of prayer grew tremendously.

I knew right then that Christ was beside me.

I could not have done that on my own.
The pain was too much for me to deal with alone.
From that experience I have a firm testimony of the power of the Atonement.
I know that through it we can be completely healed.
We can be changed and have a new start.

I was single once again and I decided to pursue my mission plans.

But, Mr. B came back sometime in January.

Along with a mix of emotions.

I felt anger towards him for leaving me and causing so much pain.
I felt as though I had finally moved on, and now he had decided to come back.

At the same time I felt glad to have him back again and see his face and hear his laugh.

I noticed the contrast between him and Mr. H though.
Also, some things were uncovered that I was never aware of while Mr. B and I were together.
It was a painful and rude awakening.
I made a very difficult choice to swallow any feelings of pride and any negative feelings towards him and be his friend.
I felt like he needed my friendship.

Memories of Mr. H started to pop up in my mind.

I decided to contact him and we started talking more.

I developed feelings for him again quickly.

Now I was at a crossroads once more.

I wanted to serve a mission, I also felt obligated to be there for Mr. B, and I was dating Mr. H.

Mr. H lives in another state, so we discussed the idea of me moving there for this summer.

I was very conflicted.

I prayed for an answer of what to do, but I didn't feel like I was getting anything.

I had no idea which path to take.

One day in March I was driving home and I was thinking about why I was so unhappy.

A few months earlier I had felt so good and so happy.

I wondered what I was doing differently.

I realized that the difference was that I was dating someone.

I thought, maybe I need to stop dating and prepare for a mission...

This feeling of peace completely washed over me.

Once I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and said, 'I'm going to serve a mission'.
The light that showed in my room and on my face confirmed in my mind what I was to do.

I can't really describe with words the feeling that I had.

I just felt so relieved.
After so long I finally felt confident in my decision to serve a mission.
Finally, I had found my answer.

Mr. H and I talked and we decided it was best to just be friends and go our own ways.

Preparing for the mission hasn't been easy by any means.
From about March to June it wasn't too bad.
I had my challenges, but I felt so much excitement that nothing really brought me down.
June brought more trials and changes.
My family put our dog down, a friend of mine left for his mission and another moved out of state.
I've experienced loneliness before, but this feeling of loneliness exceeded anything I've ever felt.
Also, temptations that had left me were resurfacing and I was getting hit from all sides.
I knew I was being tested.
I knew Heavenly Father was giving me this trial of faith to see what I would make of it.
There were days I was seriously going from one moment to the next.
I thanked Heavenly Father for allowing days to end and new ones to begin.
I knew I was being prepared for a great work and Heavenly Father needed me to stay strong during this time of trial.
As I remained faithful the clouds started to lift.
I could see the sun.

I am a completely different person than I was a year and a half ago.

I had a crash course of growing up and I've changed so much.
I had to face things I never thought I would have to face.
I had to overcome things I never thought I would have to overcome.

I am forever grateful for Mr. B.
I would not be who I am or where I am today without him.
I was headed down a strange path when he started investigating the church.
I knew I had to be a good example to him so I brought myself back to where I was supposed to be.
I've learned very valuable lessons from him and I feel most importantly I've learned how to let go.
I've also learned deeper lessons of forgiveness and compassion.
I am forever grateful for Mr. H.
I know he was given to me at a specific time for a specific purpose.
The things I learned from him are what pushed me even further to serve a mission.
I'm so grateful for his example.
I'm grateful for his maturity and unconditional friendship.
I'm also grateful for every other person I've met along the way.
Each of you have influenced me more than you know.
I've learned how to soak up every experience and learn all I can.

Over the months I've become more self mastered.

I've matured on so many levels.
I'm definitely not perfect and I have my weak moments, but I'm quicker to recognize those weaknesses and change.
I have learned how to let go. This is something I hold very dear. I know that as we put our faith in Christ we can find strength and courage to let go and walk into the unknown.
I have learned patience.
I have learned the power of a positive attitude.
I have learned that Heavenly Father never forsakes us.
I have learned that He will either calm the storm or calm the child.
I've learned to always keep a sense of humor.
I've learned how to think of others above myself.
I've learned how to forgive.
I've learned how to swallow my pride.
I understand more of who I am as a daughter of God.
I see myself so much more clearly.
I used to be so torn between who the world thought I should be and who Heavenly Father needs me to be.
The temptation is strong to follow the path of the world, but now I don't think twice about it.
I'm more concerned about what my Heavenly Father thinks about me than what others do.

I knew my heart would never be satisfied if I didn't serve a mission.
I've always had a desire to reach out to others and be a positive influence in some way.
This mission is truly only the beginning for me.
I plan to spend the rest of my life in service to my God and to others.
I've been shaken, beaten down, insecure and discouraged.

But I've also seen joy, happiness, change, growth, confidence and strength.

I've been changed for the better in so many ways.

My love for my Heavenly Father and Savior has never been so strong.

I've never felt so close to them.

They are there.

They are real.

I've felt them weep beside my bed with me and I've felt their embrace as I smile.

That's what it's all about to me.

That is why I am dedicating eight-teen months of my life to this work.

Through all the pain, heartache and disappointment this life can bring, there is joy to be found.

There is peace.

This Gospel gives the light to illuminate the darkness and show forth the true beauty of this life.

I could never turn it away.

The peace I've felt from it and the joy I've experienced are too strong for me to deny it.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to serve and teach the people in Riverside, California.
I feel a love growing in my heart for people that I haven't even met yet.
I look forward to watching the Gospel change the lives of those who choose to accept it.
I can't say enough how incredibly grateful I am for everything that has taken place in my life.
I'm grateful for the trials and the pain, because I feel like those are the moments we see life at it's best.
Those are the moments we grow the most and the strongest.
I'm grateful for the joy and happiness. I'm grateful for the good times and the laughter.
I'm just so grateful.
Grateful, grateful, grateful.
My heart is full.
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Song(s) of the Day
(These represent the experiences I just talked about.)
The Rain by Vedera

Just a Dream by Nelly

The Heart of Life by John Mayer

Gifts and Curses by Yellowcard

All We Are by Onerepublic

Walking On Air by Kerli

California by Kenny Chesney

Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles

That's Why I'm Here by Kenny Chesney

*all pictures via Pinterest*

Someday I'll be living in [Riverside, California] and all you're ever gonna be is mean

I want to talk about something. I'm not quite sure how to say it so I'm just going to lay it out there.

I'm done with people who bring negative energy into my sphere of life. Done. I'm sick of all the haterrrrzzz. Just kidding, I don't really have haters. I've just noticed that I feel different around different people. Some people get me really hyped up and excited and in love with life. And others get me down, and insecure and I just want to go hide in a closet somewhere. I've come to the conclusion that I need to remove myself from those people. 

I think we can still be a good friend and be there for someone when they really need us, but that doesn't mean they have to be in our every day life. I'm all about forgiveness and loving people unconditionally, but I've come to realize it shouldn't be at the sacrifice of your own sanity and happiness.

This is reason number 303480120 for why I'm soooo sososososo grateful for the opportunity to serve a mission. With preparing for it my perspective on things has changed so much. It's given me the strength and faith to say, Hmm I don't like this so I'm going to change it. Even it's scary. Because it is scary to walk away from somebody who has been such a big part of your life. 

Something else I've learned from this situation is that I know who I am and so does Heavenly Father. If I'm accused of being a certain way and I know that I'm really not that way, I shouldn't allow what that person says about me bring me down. I shouldn't second guess myself or my abilities. I know who I am. I know how I act. I know what I think. I know what I feel. I hate being misunderstood, but sometimes it's inevitable. Even if you try to explain yourself, that doesn't mean the other person will take that into consideration. That doesn't mean that they even care what you have to say. You can't control what people think, do or say BUT you can control what YOU think, do or say. That's something huge that I've learned over and over. People are going to do what they want. You can't help that. You can't control that. You can control yourself. You can control whether you're going to allow it to bring you down or take it as a lesson learned to make you stronger. You can choose to let it be and walk away. 

I've chosen to be a happy person. I've chosen to be kind. I've chosen to see the good in all situations. I've chosen to laugh and have fun. 

That's what life is all about. Enough with the negativity. Brush it off and keep pressing forward.

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Song of the Day

Mean by Taylor Swift

Sister Emery called to serve

It's taken me a while to post about this.
It's been a busy whirlwind the past few days.
THURSDAY.

Thursday, right next to the day I graduated high school, was the best day of my life so far.

I really wasn't expecting anything, but I decided to check the mailbox.

As I opened it slowly I realized there was a big white envelope addressed to me.

I could hardly contain myself as I ran towards my front door.

I was smiling ear to ear and tears were flooding my eyes.

I held in my hands the next 18 months of my life.

Riverside, California will be my home.

I couldn't be happier.

It's just perfect.

I know this calling is truly sacred and inspired.

I already feel so comfortable and like I've known the place my whole life.

I'm so excited to embark on this incredible adventure.

I'm so excited to meet all the wonderful people I will be working with and teaching.

This is amazing.

It doesn't even seem real.

A big THANK YOU to everyone who was on the phone, skype and came over to share this exciting moment with me.

A big THANK YOU also to the congratulations and feedback I've received on Facebook and in person.

I'm so grateful for the love and support I've received through this whole process.

I'm ready to get out there!!

Today you are you, that is truer than true!

Today you are YOU, that is TRUER than true.

There is NO ONE alive who is YOUER than YOU!

-Dr. Seuss 

I couldn't agree more.

Lately I've been learning the importance of being who I am.

We each have different dreams, different fears, different goals.

We have different talents, different abilities, different ambitions.

We shouldn't shy away from them just because someone else doesn't agree.

We shouldn't play small just so we don't hurt anyone's feelings.

We shouldn't lose sight of them just because someone says we can't do it.

One of my favorite quotes was said by Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness. He said, "Don't ever let somebody tell you that you can't do something. If people can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. If you have a dream, you gotta protect it. If you want something, go get it. Period."

Whether it's from jealousy, fear or ignorance, I've noticed that some people will try to down play your dreams. 

Don't let them.

Your talents and dreams and ambitions are what make you who you are.

YOU are the only YOU that will EVER BE!

Let that sink in for a moment.

NO ONE will ever look like you, talk like you, think like you, believe like you, dream like you.

EVER.

Be who you are. 

You are given these talents and dreams for a reason.

Something inside of you has the ability, strength and courage to carry out those dreams and turn them into reality.

This world needs YOU.

It doesn't need 7 billion of the same person.

It needs each of us individuals to put what we have on the table and create something amazing with it.

Be shy, be outgoing, be happy, be strong, be funny, be clever, be humble, be meek, be crazy, be creative, be nice, be giving, be smart, be daring, be talented, be outrageous, be beautiful, be wonderful, be different, be goofy, be spontaneous, be quiet, be loud, be caring, be original, be awesome.

Be totally, completely, 100% you.

So go on!

Find what makes YOU come alive and go do it.

Commit to your dreams like crazy, whatever they may be.

And don't let anything stop you. 

Light Bulb

"Those who try to do a whole lot of good at once, never really do anything."

HELLO.

Reading that quote earlier was a total light bulb moment for me. 

Reason number 2993437198943 of why I'm grateful to be serving a mission is that preparing for it constantly keeps me in check.

I see things I need to change.

I see good things. 

I see things I could do a little differently.

There's a lot of transitioning and moving that I'm doing right now and it's tough sometimes.

It's tough to break those habits and change.

I'm starting to see so much potential in myself and there is so much I want to accomplish during my time here on earth and I get a bit overwhelmed sometimes.

I get overwhelmed because I'm trying to do too much at once.

Instead of focusing on maybe one or two things at a time to work on.

I've decided to make a list of things I see could do differently or change and things I see that are good.

From that list I'm going to choose one thing to hone in on and build up.

Get good at it and make it strong then move on to the next thing.

Baby steps.

I don't know why this whole concept took me so long to figure out.

But, I'm glad I did.

Less pressure.

More opportunity to grow. 

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Song of the Day

Take it Easy by The Eagles

I took a deep breath, and let it go

I've been noticing how much I've learned about life over the past months while preparing for my mission.

So, each week I'm going to share one thing until I can't think of anything else. 

Today, I want to talk about letting go.

It can be a scary thing.

I attach myself so deeply to things I care about, so my whole life I've found it difficult to completely let go of something and move forward without it. 

There have been many ideas, people, things, and situations I've had to let go of the past year.

Some things were easy

Some were very hard.

Some things were small.

Some were very big.

Some things took a lot of time.

Some were overnight.

Some things took a lot of tears.

Some I just shrugged off.

All of them took prayer.

And, you know what?

The world is still spinning.

I'm still alive.

I truly believe that at times when we feel everything is falling apart, it could be that everything is falling into place.

You find so much strength within yourself when you decide not to send that text.

Or you decide not to buy that really cute shirt because it's immodest.

Or you forgive someone who hurt you. 

Or when you forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Or you trust Heavenly Father when you have no idea how you're going to accomplish something.

Or you have faith you'll see someone who passed away again on the other side. 

My favorite phrase has become, 'it doesn't matter.'

I've come to understand an eternal perspective better and it has helped me tremendously.

When I'm having a hard letting something go, I ask myself if it will matter a year from now.

Five years from now.

Twenty years from now.

A million kabillion years from now.

Or even tomorrow.

I think sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the moment and the emotions, but we have to take a step back.

We have to look at the big picture.

We have to trust Heavenly Father.

He knows what He's doing. 

Yes, sometimes it hurts, but it truly will be 'but a small moment.'

Another thing that has helped me is facing it.

If we stay in denial and try so hard to hold on, we miss the new door that has opened for us.

We have to face and embrace change.

Opportunity lies in change.

We need to look fear right in the eye and then face forward and walk away.

The best revenge is moving on with your life.

I am amazed at how far I have come.

I am so much stronger than I was.

I am able to let things go so easily now.

With some things, I allow myself a moment to let a few tears drop, then I'm done.

I whisper, it doesn't matter and then I walk out the door with a smile on my face.

Life is so incredibly short.

Life is so incredibly wonderful.

It shouldn't be wasted on daydreams of the past.

Or 'what could have been.'

No.

There is a reason and a season for everything.

If someone went down a different path than what you expected, let it go.

If someone passed away, let it go.

If you made mistakes, let it go.

If someone hurt you, let it go.

If things didn't turn out the way 'you planned', let it go.

Don't become tainted, worn out, miserable or bitter because things changed.

Realize there's Someone in charge who has a better plan for you.

He has something bigger in store. 

I would have never thought I would be just months away from leaving on a mission.

But, here I am.

Looking back, I can see how letting go of certain things and embracing new things has brought me here.

I know myself so much better.

I'm in such a happier place.

I have so much more faith in myself.

I know who I am and the woman I am becoming.

I can see things so much clearer and the future holds nothing but greatness.

I no longer carry the baggage of my past.

I've taken the lessons and left the rest behind.

--------------------------

Song of the Day

Wolfmother by Vagabond

Gone Fishin'

So, I went fishing last night for the first time in my life!

We packed a cooler full of drinks and fruit and grabbed some fried chicken, then headed out to the lake.

It was so gorgeous.

The sun was setting.

There was a monster storm coming and the lightening was lighting up the horizon.

We figured it was far enough away that we weren't in any immediate danger.

It was one of those times that you just have to stop and stare and marvel at how beautiful this world is.

And wish you had a better camera to capture the lightening.

We didn't catch any fish, but we'll get 'em next time!

-------------------------------

Song of the Day

The Life by Kenny Chesney

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"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated." -Confucius 

Just Love

It has been brought to my attention here recently that I sometimes have quite the short fuse.

The other day I was walking with a friend and one second we were talking about something, the next thing we know we're in an argument. 

I've always known I have a temper.

When I was little I was known to have complete meltdowns with screaming and foot stomping all in one.

BUT I have come a long way and I hold back the foot stomping as best I can these days.

As I am trying to better myself and prepare myself for mission life I know I need to get a better grip on, what my friend likes to call, 'my sass'. 

A lot of it comes from me just being defensive and putting up a tough front so I don't get hurt.

I'm really a little flower petal inside.

The attitude is a lie.

The recognition of my faults and weaknesses is becoming much clearer to me.

I'm quicker to realize I'm in the wrong and I need to correct my behavior.

So, my new goal or whatever is to not become so defensive and uptight.

Just love.

Not everyone is out to get you.

Mormon Message: Love One Another

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Song of the Day

If Everyone Cared by Nickleback

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"Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again." -Og Mandino

What A Beautiful Life

I'm entering in the photography competition at the State Fair this year!

So, this weekend a couple friends and I went up to Lake Hefner to get some long boarding shots.

We could not have picked a better night.

It was absolutely beautiful.

There was a storm cloud coming in so the sky was stunning.

We witnessed a proposal -probably the sweetest moment I've ever seen.

There were sail boats floating along in the water.

We even saw an avatar, batman and spiderman.

Who knew.

The whole time I just imagined I was on the Gulf Coast in Corpus Christi (cannot wait until I live there!).

Thanks guys for being such models.

It was a great night.

Here's some shots:

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Song of the Day

Gone by Jack Johnson

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"Remember, you can earn more money, but when time is spent it's gone forever." -Zig Ziglar