Onward, Ever Onward

WHEW!

This past week was intense.

Like, if I make it out of here and on my mission alive it will be a miracle.

Once again I just have to say how grateful I am to be serving a mission.

It keeps me in check like nobody's business.

Through everything I've come out with a greater understanding of faith and how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ truly love each and every one of us.

One day the sky seemed to be falling and my old self would have just been like, I don't even care, Heavenly Father doesn't care, whatever.

But instead I caught myself saying, I know He's there, I don't really know where right now, but I know He's there and this is all going to come out okay.

I was surprised and grateful that I've changed and my faith has grown so much that I can just keep holding on when things get a little crazy.

Also, I've talked about this on here before but I truly believe that Heavenly Father sends people to us to fill in the holes that others leave behind.

Recently I've been blessed with people who have changed me and helped me see more of who I am. 

This has manifested to me how much He loves me and watches over me.

This reminds me to always show kindness to those around us because we may be filling in a hole for someone.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel so claustrophobic and so tied back. I feel like I can't do anything because "I'm preparing for a mission". But I always try to quickly correct that thought process and remind myself of why I chose to do this. I think of all the lives that will be blessed by this service. I also remember that there is an opposing force who would love nothing more than for me to decide to not go. I tell that opposing force to shutup. I'm grateful for the quiet moments when I sit and ponder about my mission and a smile comes across my face. 

Missions are insane, people.

I love it so much already and I'm not even out there yet!

I seriously needed this to become the person who I need to be.

There have been outward changes, but there's been so many inward changes for the better that I can't wait to see who I'm going to be once it's all over.

It's been so tough, man, so tough. But it's been so incredibly worth it.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Wow, I'm really bad about updating this thing these days.

Friday was my mommy's BIRFday!!

I was blessed with a very special mom.

I think she and I have a lot on common.

From stories that I've heard about her past I kinda get an idea that I am similar to what she used to be like.

We're both pretty stubborn.

We're both headstrong.

We're both independent minded.

We're both not afraid to say what's on our mind.

We're both extremely loving.

We're both forgiving.

We're both weird.

We're both artsy.

We're both tender hearted.

It was her who taught me to break up saltine crackers in chicken noodle soup.

It was her taught me how to clean a house.

It was her who taught me how to garden.

It was her who taught me how to paint my nails.

It was her who taught me fashion and how to put an outfit together.

It was her who instilled in me a love for walks and drives.

It was her who taught me not to take any crap from anyone.

It was her who gave me the obsession to have people let me know when they get home so I know they're safe.

It was her who would let me stay home from school every once in a while just to take a break.

It was her who would sit at the end of my bed listening to me as I sobbed through a story.

It was her who ever so firmly corrected my behavior when I wasn't going down the right track.

It was her who time and time again told me of my worth.

It was her who gave me a free spirit and desire to get out and see things.

It was her who opened my eyes to the little things and learn to cherish them.

It was her who kept me grounded.

It was her who I feared when I had made a bad decision because I knew that she could tell something was wrong.

It was her who giggled with me when she found out any boys that I had kissed.

It was her who encouraged me to always pray and read my scriptures.

It was her who let me know that serving a mission was an option for my life.

It was her who screamed with joy when my mission call arrived.

It's her who still continues to support me and love me. She has been there through all the many stupid mistakes I've made over the years. She never threw down a judgmental hand but instead she listened and guided. I'm so grateful for this woman in my life. I know I don't always show the gratitude and love I have in my heart for her, but it's there. I love you mom! I won't here for your 50th birthday next year and I'm so sad that I'll miss all the festivities of that. I'll send you something though, you better believe it!
(my dad was there through all those moments I just spoke of too, but this post isn't about him ;))

Moments That Matter Most

• Driving by myself with the window down and the music up
• Eating grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Harry Potter with two of my best girl friends
• Having mission chats with the sister missionaries 
• One of my best guy friends texting me and asking, "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?" and then continuing to say, "...You're absolutely gorgeous."
• Laying in my parent's bed watching t.v
• Seeing my list of "to-do's" get smaller and smaller
• Sitting around my grandparent's table eating Sunday dinner
• My mom rubbing my back
• My sister and I play fighting 
• Watching the sunset across the fields by my house as I run
• Laughing with those I love
• Quiet moments alone when I feel fear in my heart about my mission and then a reassuring voice tells me this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and everything is going to be okay 

moments that matter most

You Are Enough

Okay, so...

The past few weeks I've been struggling with feeling inadequate and totally unprepared for my mission.
I only have nine weeks!

I've heard those feelings are normal though.

But, it's really been bugging me and I've been pondering a lot about it.

Wondering if I'm where I need to be spiritually, wondering if I know the Gospel as well as I should, wondering whether I have a strong testimony, wondering whether I'll be a good missionary.

I think those are legitimate concerns and check points. 

But it's really taken away from the excitement and joy that I could be experiencing right now.

The other day I had a revelation that I am enough.

The people in Riverside, California need ME.

They need Staci Emery.

I shouldn't try to change myself so much to fit who I think I need to be and completely lose who I am.

They need who I am.

This past weekend during General Conference a couple talks mentioned things to bring with you on your mission and they listed: a testimony, a desire to serve, a love for others, being worthy of the spirit and being ready to work. 

I really appreciated those talks because I've just felt like I needed to do all these different things and read all this different stuff to be ready when really I just need a testimony and a desire to serve. That's what it comes down to.

I know that this is a sacred calling and as such there's a reason that Staci Emery was called to serve in Riverside, California. There's somebody somewhere in my mission that needs my experience, my perspective, my love, my humor, my testimony.

I strive to be who Heavenly Father needs me to be. He has and will continue to refine me and make me better. And I will take my mission seriously and make sure I stay worthy of the spirit, but my personality and what I have to offer is what is needed in Riverside. I'm weird, I'm goofy, I laugh a lot and find humor in the smallest things, I listen well, I'm compassionate, I'm sensitive to other's feelings, I'm quick to forgive and let go, I'm kind, I'm super easy going.

All this applies not only to a mission, but just life in general.

Although I think it's good to strive to be better and to do better; I don't think it's necessary to put unneeded pressure on yourself and to beat yourself up because you don't meet some idea that you've daydreamed in your head.

The world will always tell you that you're not good enough.

They'll tell you that you need to change this and change that, and be this and be that.

You might even tell yourself that.

Be who you are.
Don't compare yourself to other people. Don't worry about what's going on with them. Focus on who Heavenly Father needs you to be. He has blessed you with experiences throughout your whole life that have shaped you. Allow Him to refine you and make you who you are.

This is something that I've been learning a lot lately and it's something I feel very passionate about.

Embrace who you are and leave your mark by being yourself.

You are enough.